My Journey from Hypo to Happy



Stay-at-home Sickie

I am extremely lucky in that my husband makes enough at his job to support us both and I’m able to stay at home and heal. I know women who would give their left breast to be in my position. But it’s not all fun and games. As much as I sometimes hated working, I’d give just about anything to be able to work full time again.

I feel guilty. Even though I know working would be detrimental to my healing and I would make a horrible employee right now, I somehow feel I don’t deserve the luxury of staying home. Perhaps it’s the fact that I’ve worked constantly for the past 14 years that makes it feel unnatural…or the college education I feel is going to waste…or my inner feminist telling me I don’t live in the 50’s…or the thought of my husband working his tail off while I watch movies…or thinking people are looking down on me…or all of the above. But I can’t simply relax and enjoy it. I beat myself up over it.

I feel useless. I can’t tell you how much it pains me to watch my husband come home from a hard day’s work only to have to cook, clean and take care of me. Maybe it’s that 1950’s mentality creeping in again, but I feel like having a housewife should afford a man some luxuries…such as a clean home and a hot meal. But I can’t even manage to wash the dishes most days. I try to remind myself that I’m not simply a housewife…I’m a stay-at-home sickie…and I shouldn’t expect those things from myself right now. But I’m stubborn and rarely listen to such wisdom.

And I feel like I’m not contributing. Sure, I make a little money from my website and use it for frivolous things like collectibles and computer equipment…but all of our livelihood comes from my husband. If I were a stay-at-home mom who was shaping and molding our young breed (not to mention saving us money on daycare), I’d feel differently…as then I’d be doing something worthwhile. But most of my days are spent in front of the computer, the tv or a book. I have nothing to show for myself. I’m like the 40 year old who still lives in their parent’s basement…a drain on my family and a drain on society. Worthless.

I just keep holding onto the hope that this is only temporary and someday I’ll be able to make up for lost time. But boy does it suck right now.

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Comments

  1. * Birdlady says:

    Hey Rainbow, I can completely relate to this!! You start to feel so down on yourself because you feel you aren’t contributing to the “family”. You do feel guilt.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 7 months ago
    • * hyporainbow says:

      Thankfully, as I’ve started feeling better and better, I’ve been able to use that guilt as motivation to start getting things accomplished. I’ve started projects around the house (such as scanning old photos), started running errands so that hubby doesn’t have to, started cleaning more, etc. It’s been ages since I’ve felt so bad I could only sit in front of the tv all day! And that’s so encouraging! I’m hopeful that soon I’ll be able to do more outside of the house…such as joining exercise classes and doing volunteer work. One step at a time 🙂 I hope you start feeling better soon as well!

      | Reply Posted 7 years, 7 months ago
  2. * Abigail says:

    We have been so indoctrinated into ‘doing’ we feel horrid when we are not.
    When we are limited in functioning due to AF/hypo or other ill-health pehaps we can consider the thought that it’s good enough to just ‘be’.

    I have found that because of my decreased (or almost extinct) ability to ‘do’ things, I am able to ‘be’. Actually, it is a different kind of ‘doing’. I’m talking about ‘being’ there for another person. Such as the support you provide to other folks online.

    This time of our life, which I hope will end very soon and be replaced by good health, is an opportunity to practice loving-kindness toward ourselves: I’m good enough just because I am me. Not easy. It’s a daily struggle for me.

    Glad to hear you’re able to do some things around the house and run some errands 🙂

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 6 months ago
  3. * jpatti says:

    We’re such Type A personalities that even when our bodies refuse, we still can’t relax and enjoy it cause our brains are still making the “to do” lists.

    Then when we have a good day, we try to get through that “to do” list and wind up crashing and burning.

    What if you worked fulltime, and were taking a day off to go to a spa? You know, some women spend a fortune on that stuff. I’ve never been myself.

    But I keep thinking, I should have a spa day at home. Starting with a long soak in an Epsom salt and lavender oil bathtub… not get dressed, stay in a robe and slippers all day… do some stretching exercises, curl up in bed with a book and some hot chocolate…

    I strongly suspect if we knew how to pamper ourselves a bit, we’d have never burnt out our adrenals in the first place.

    I really think we have to learn this, learn to REALLY relax and recharge. It’s part of what it takes to get well.

    | Reply Posted 7 years, 1 month ago


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